I still meet people who have never seen A Christmas Story. As if there is something better to do on Christmas than watch TNT for 24 hours. What is this “family and togetherness” bullshit? There’s a Red Rider BB Gun to be had, people!
I stopped liking Ralphie long ago. Whine, whine, pout, shoot yourself in the face, look awkward, whine. Things like this are funny IF YOU ARE CUTE. Fail, Ralphie. Sorry Hollywood had to capture you at the most excruciating of your awkward years and try to redeem it with a lisp. And I’ll give them that — the Lisp is Ralphie’s one good quality, especially since he has a friend named Schwartz. And a chubby kid saying “son of a bitch” makes me smile in any context. But that’s it, Ralphie. If you just said “Schwartz” and “son of a bitch” the whole movie, I might like you. But as it stands, I imagine you blind with “thoap poithoning” and I grin maniacally.
But your brother, Randy? With gems like the Meatloaf Rap, My Zeppelin, and I Can’t Put My Arms Down, you rock this movie boat. And in the movie’s alternate ending, Randy shoots Ralphie in the face, thus saving him from future thoap poithoning and Little Orphan Annie decoder ring disasters.
And here we are, in Randy’s shining moment.
